(This article was originally posted at sarahorn.com Oct. 9, 2008. It has been updated for today.)
When we were going through our first deployment in 2007, I was determined to be the best, supportive wife that I could be. I was going to shower my husband with care packages, be sweet and loving every time he called, not mind at all dropping everything I was doing to talk (and of course I would never miss a call because I would have that cell phone with me at all times, even in bed), and he would never feel out of the loop with anything because I would always update him on every single thing that happened every single day.
Yeah.
Um, wish it actually had gone like that.
The truth, though, is that by the end of the deployment, I was sick of carrying my cell phone around and it felt more like a leash than a tool to talk to my husband. The care package idea went ok, except that Cliff really didn’t need or want half the stuff I was sending him since the group he was with provided pretty much everything. He would call in the middle of trying to get Caleb ready for bed, or when I was trying to figure out what to make for dinner (one of my least favorite parts of the day) or just when I was finally getting somewhere on whatever writing project I was working on at the time.
As we got closer to the end of the deployment, it was hard for me not to look back over the previous months and point to all of the things I had done, and all of the things I felt like my husband had notdone in supporting me (forgetting the little fact of him serving in a war zone).
I was reminded of this by an email I got from one of the ladies who responded to my sets of questions for a book I was working on in the year that followed. She told me that it had been really tough filling out those answers because it forced her to look back and look hard at how the deployment was and some of what she saw she didn’t like.
She struggled with feeling like her husband wasn’t putting as much into their marriage as she was. She wrote, “The whole deployment felt like I was constantly giving and showing my husband I loved him, with nothing coming back in return. My husband would tell me he loved me, but I started to feel like words wasn’t enough towards the end of the deployment.”
“Words weren’t enough…” I bet a lot of women out there feel like this wife. I know I did at times when we were going through our first deployment. There’s a classic book out there called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. He describes five distinct ways that we like to give and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Now if you look at this list through the eyes of a military couple, some of these may be difficult to achieve if you’re going through a deployment, especially the last one!
But as Dr. Chapman says, communication is key and it can mean the foundation or the breakdown of our marraiges. Part of that is thinking about the other person.
You know, we already have a great example to follow. When Jesus was on the earth, I don’t believe there was one time mentioned in the Bible that He refused to help someone or show love to someone because He didn’t feel like He was getting love in return.
This isn’t to say that your spouse is off the hook in terms of loving you back. He has his own responsibilities as a husband he needs to meet. But the only one you have control of is yourself. Start with your own actions, your own behaviors and you may be very surprised at the influence you can have on your husband returning or giving back in response to what you give.
So, a few ideas for taking the “me” out of we:
1. Pray for your spouse. Daily. Let him know you’re praying.
2. Use positive language with your spouse. Make extra efforts to lift him up and encourage him. “I’m proud of you.” “You are doing great.” “I’m so blessed to have you in my life.”
3. Find ways to discuss issues in a positive, focused way instead of unleashing everything you’re feeling at the moment. When I was a “peer mediation” counselor in high school, we always encouraged those in a conflict to start with “I feel.” “I felt like what I did for you this week didn’t matter when you didn’t mention anything about it.” “I felt concerned when…” “Maybe I misread this but I felt like…”
Dr. Chapman writes on his website, “The greatest detriment to such positive partnership is selfishness. Perhaps both of you feel that you have gone through a difficult period of life and you deserve a little pampering. However, when you focus on yourselves and start demanding things of each other, you become enemies. When you freely and genuinely reach out with the attitude of helping your spouse, you both become winners. Successful re-entry occurs when both partners seek the well being of the other.”
Question: What do you struggle with when it comes to the me and we? What have you been able to overcome?
God helped me “stumble” across your website yesterday. My husband left me 4 days ago. Just 2 weeks short of our first anniversary. I was crushed and somehow relieved at the same time. I love him dearly, but was also tired of all the fighting and stress. We are talking again and he came home last night to stay. I don’t know what will happen with us, but I do know that your website as renewed my hope for us. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me and I think that is why He helped me find this website. I will be buying your book this weekend if at all possible. Thank you for what you do.
Regena, thank you so much for sharing. This is one of those times I wish I could just come over and have coffee with you and listen and help however I could. Can I just tell you, after 14 years of marriage and a lot of fights and stress in our own relationship – that it can get better? That it will get better? That just because you bicker today, doesn’t mean you have to bicker tomorrow, or next week?
I’ve seen so many couples who just throw it all away because one day somebody gets their feelings hurt or someone gets mad and you think, “who in the world is this person I’ve committed my life to? And I’m not happy today so that must mean this person is no good for me.” It’s a bad road to go down, because you will never be with someone who makes you happy – in the literal sense of the word – 24/7. Because they’re human and they’re going to mess up and they’re going to make mistakes. Just like you will.
I can’t control my husband. That’s a hard lesson that took a long time for me to learn (and a lot of frustration because I kept trying to!)
I can, however, control what I do. What I say. How I act. And I’m telling you… when I started taking responsibility for my own actions, for my own choice of words, for how I treated him… when I stopped looking at everything through my “what about me” perspective and started seeing things through “what does God want me to do as his wife?” I saw SUCH a difference in my husband and in our family! It didn’t happen overnight, but it did get better.
Our 7th year of marriage was our absolute worst one. We argued, we slammed doors, we were stressed about so many things and couldn’t seem to find a way to work together. I wanted to pull my hair out sometimes and some days I was very tempted to just say this isn’t working anymore. I give up. But we’ve always made the commitment that divorce is not an option.
Our “feelings” of love can come and go. I love my husband – there are some days I don’t always like him. I made a commitment to love him as long as I lived – and I’ve learned that as I grow in my love for my husband – as I learn to overlook those little annoying things that he does sometimes, or maybe bigger things that I’m praying he works on – and keep in mind, it’s the same with me for him – those little things don’t matter as much.
In the seven years since that terrible year, I can definitely say we are more in love today than we were our first year of marriage. Because we’ve walked together on this journey. We’ve been through the ups AND downs, the highs AND lows. We’ve learned to put ourselves second and each other first. It’s not an easy thing… but it can happen. It does take time.
I highly recommend you and your husband check out the book, The 5 Love Languages, that I mentioned in this post. Also, the book Love and Respect is a great one too. Guys don’t always like to read stuff like this. It took my husband years to read the 5 Love Languages, and honestly I don’t think he actually ever read the book, but he did enjoy the video series our small group at church did earlier this year.
Don’t take offense if your husband doesn’t seem to jump on board right away. Look for ways to grow your marriage through his eyes. Maybe it’s taking more of an interest in something he likes to do (that’s a healthy, constructive activity). Sometimes as wives we need to do more with our actions than with our words.
If you’re not involved in a church, let me encourage you to get involved in one. We need other couples around us that can encourage us, and also let us know we’re not alone.
Let me pray for you –
Dear God,
I just come to you today Lord to ask Your help for Regena and her husband today. God, like so many couples starting out, that first year of marriage can be a tough one! Lord, I just ask that You help them today. I ask that You help them first to listen to each other. To hear not just the words of their spouse but the heart of their spouse. If there is hurt in the relationship, I ask You to help heal it. If there are trust issues God, I ask that You help mend it and bring them together. If there are financial issues, Lord, I ask that You help them start to work together to tackle the problems as a couple, knowing they can get through it with Your help. Help them find strong Christian couples who can be a great example to them of Your plan for marriage. Give them 50 more years together as a couple, Lord. Grow them together and in the name of your precious son, Jesus, block the things in their lives that are threatening to pull them apart. Restore their relationship and make it incredible. As a wife, I pray that you will help Regena look at her husband through Your eyes. And put You first.
Thank you, Lord for loving us and for letting us come to You whenever we need You.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
I will continue to pray for you and your husband. Please let me know how things are going.
Sara
Thank you so very much for your kind words and your prayers. He has moved back home and we are trying. I have read the Five Languages of Love. He won’t read it. He doesn’t like to read. I also bought us the books from the Courageous movie. But again, he won’t read it. We are involved in church and attend every Sunday and Wednesday. We are both strong in our faith so I pray that we continue to grow and stay together. Thank you again.
God definitely led me to this posting today. My husband left for his first deployment on Saturday. When/If I begin to have the “Me” feelings, I will remember this post.
Thank you!
Tara, thank you for your husband’s service and for what you do as a spouse! Deployments are always challenging, but God knows and sees and we can lean on Him during the tough moments. Be sure to connect with Wives of Faith (wivesoffaith.org), my ministry. Lots of great content to help you grow! Blessings, Sara
Wow- God certainly gives you what you need when you need it!! I am at the end of my boyfriend’s first deployment. We are on the road to marriage and I have definitely been wondering when he might “meet me” in my level of communication. I realized by reading your post that I have been having a “me” mentality. I have to just remember that he does love me and just because he can’t email or call everyday doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to. He is showing me an “act of service” by working so hard and I have learned to respect his need as a man to work hard to provide. It’s been a tough road, but I’m so happy that he will be home soon!
Also, I’m curious, what is the title of your book you are working on? Is is military related? I have read both “5 Love Languages” and “Love and Respect” and they are fantastic. It would be great to find another Christian book, but military-based, as it is such a unique situation to be in in a relationship.
My hubbs has been deployed (our first) for almost 3 months now. I stumbled across this writing through Pinterest and it was SO what I am dealing with. I know I’m not alone in my feelings and thoughts but it is nice to actually see with my own eyes that others are dealing with the same issues. I knew I had to be strong during a deployment but I guess I didn’t really know on what levels until I’m actually going through one. I knew I would have to handle the home and kids. Okay, I can handle that no problem! He is gone all the time for military work. But… just as mentioned in the article, the communication long distance when hubby is tired, miles from home and hesitant to talk about his work, well, that is much harder than expected. The inconvenient times the calls come in and my hesitation to talk about anything that would have him take his mind off of staying safe and getting his job done well, I almost don’t want to pick up the phone sometimes. I have gone through many times when I thought I would look more forward to his phone calls. I realize that we both have to play apart in this deployment and right now he just needs my support so I will keep pushing forward. It’s not about what is always easiest for me.
There are a ton of resources out there but one from a wife/christian/military spouse who has been in the ‘trenches’ of deployment who is willing to share the tough stuff is hard to find. Thank you!
I am definitely going to check out more of your books etc. Thanks so much for sharing your life, wisdom, and experiences with others!