I just had the opportunity a couple of weekends ago to spend it in beautiful Asheville, N.C., leading some workshops at a military marriage retreat at The Cove, which is Billy Graham’s conference center. It was a thrill and an honor to share with the wives in my workshops what it means to have a GOD Strong marriage, and some of the things we should think about as wives. So often, we think our marriages and our lives in general would get better if “he” would just change – but as I learned in my Proverbs 31 experiment – it’s often necessary for us to change first.

One young woman hung around after my last workshop, wanting to talk. She’s only been married less than a year but already marriage has started looking less like the fairy tale she pictured it.

Her problem?

“He wants sex all the time!”

After asking her some questions and making sure there was no physical or emotional abuse happening – just the needs and desires of a full-blooded military guy – I began to understand. She’s concerned with the house and their son and she’s tired – who has time to be in the mood? Evening AND morning?

I’m not sure what I said was really what she wanted to hear.

In this day and age, as women we’ve been sold the My package of goods. As in, it’s My life, My body, My happiness… that’s what I need to be focused on because when it’s all said and done, I’m the only one who will look out for me and My interests. (And don’t get me wrong – men are being sold this too).

But I don’t think that’s biblical.

Look at what Paul says in 1 Corinthians:

“But because sexual immorality is so common, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another sexually – except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again: otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (7:2-5)

This totally flies in the face of our politically correct society today, I know, but it’s God’s plan and purpose for marriage. Sex was meant to be enjoyed and to be shared intimately between a husband and a wife. And let’s face it, ladies, most men are wired to love sex; to enjoy being physical and intimate. Nashville pastor and the main speaker for the retreat at The Cove, Dr. Michael Easley, had some great points about this – he said “all their lives, men have been told no – when they’re married, they finally can hear YES.”

But how often do we as women say no after we’ve said I do? Because we’re tired? Because we’re mad? Because we’re using sex as a weapon to get what we want instead of giving it freely the way God calls us to?

That’s not what God intended.

In our small group at church this Sunday, we started going through the book and video series, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Cliff and I have done this book before, many years ago, but I don’t think we did the video. It’s a good refresher and reminder that when we enter into marriage, our goal is not to see what I can get out of it, but what I can give to the other person who I’ve committed my life to.

Sex comes with the commitment.

Now, please know, I’m writing all of this from a general point of view. I realize there are many situations out there – circumstances where spouses grew up in sexually abusive situations, or maybe were raised to see sex as being bad, or are working through overcoming other things in their past or current situations (a husband that cheats, for example) that make a healthy sexual relationship with their husbands difficult. But if none of these are factors, there are some things you can do to learn to enjoy and be open to a more active sex life with your husband.

Be affectionate.

Maybe you don’t feel affectionate. Or maybe you didn’t grow up in an affectionate, touchy family but your husband did. You can learn how to be affectionate. It takes one touch at a time. I was not always real affectionate because in my family growing up, we weren’t huggers. We didn’t really cuddle or get real touchy. Imagine my surprise, then, when I discovered my husband’s family weren’t just huggers, they were kissers too! (You know, a quick kiss on the cheek when you’re saying hello?) It was hard at first to get used to this – hard to be focused on getting the laundry done and my husband wanted to grab me as he passed me in the hall and pull me in for a hug and kiss. But after I recognized this was how he showed his love for me, I knew I couldn’t waste any of those moments. Now I hug and kiss and touch – and love every moment.

Say I love you. A lot.

My husband and I tell each other “I love you” throughout the day, every day. In the morning, before work; we’ll text or call during the day; we’ll greet each other when we’re all home again and before we go to sleep. Saying “I love you” reinforces the commitment you’ve made to each other, and reminds you of the special person you have in your life.

Laugh. 

Don’t take things too seriously. Don’t hold grudges. Forgive and forget.

Take 10. This is definitely a practical tip for us ladies. There are just days in the week where you have been going non-stop and you are WORN OUT! Who feels like being romantic at 10 o’clock at night after chasing kids, working, and putting out fires? But being intimate, and being close, is so important. It’s a time to reconnect as a couple. So take 10 minutes in the bathroom to reset. Brush your hair. Add a little perfume. Wear something sexy or romantic and resist throwing on the flannels. And just enjoy ending your day with the one you love. And on a very personal note, as a military wife having gone through two deployments – almost a total of two years of our marriage we’ve been away from each other – I only have to remind myself of the nights I wished he’d been there to remember to never take the nights he is there for granted.